The last few years I have been on a journey of discovery. Discovering who I am and the why behind my behaviors, habits, strengths, and weaknesses. It's an intimate and emotional journey that has taught me so much about myself and the people who have helped shape who I am today.
When is the last time you thought about your "why's?"
Why do I react this way?
Why does this bother me?
Why is it that this type of music always brightens my day?
Why is this so important to me?
Examining your why can help you understand so much about your past, present, and different ways you can evolve to create a better future for yourself and your loved ones.
Take a moment and step into a Time Machine with me. Today, we are traveling to the past. To a memory of a moment in time that changed your perspective (for better or worse) on life, people, or yourself. Could be when you were a child, an adolescent, or a teen. Got your memory? Great...hold onto that. I'm going to take you with me in my Time Machine and head back to my childhood:
It's the early 90's, in upstate New York. Da Brat's newest song "Funkdafied" is playing in constant rotation on the radio and if you were more of a pop fan you were stuck on "The Sign" by Ace of Base. I was 4 turning 5, loved the Rugrats, Michael Jackson, and like most little girls my mommy. My mom was my absolute hero and I was literally her shadow. At this time in her life she would've been in an on again/off again relationship with my father that was...well toxic.
**Let me break from this story to say the people that my parents were during this time in no way reflects who they became later in life...and dad if you're reading this I am in no way attempting to villainize you. One thing you realize about your parents after you become an adult is that while you were a child thinking they had it all figured out...they were the heroes...they knew everything...they were actually growing up themselves, making mistakes, and learning hard lessons in real time.**
Okay...back to the story...
My mom, my dad, and two of my older sisters, and I lived in a suburb of Rochester, NY, called Henrietta. My days were filled with playing outside with my friends and watching Michael Jackson's Moonwalker on VHS, over and over again. I had a great childhood. My parents both made sure of that. I had great birthday parties, Barbie's galore, and we had yearly season passes to the Darien Lake theme park (which is now a Six Flags property)...but as I stated before I was seeing life through the eyes of a child. My parents relationship was not healthy. Constant arguing and substance abuse on my dad's part caused my mother to tell him to leave many times. This would result in my father coming to me as an almost 5 year old and telling me that my mother was kicking him out. He would say things like:
"Well Moober (my nickname from him) your mother is making me leave."
"I hope I'll be okay."
In a small child this prompted so much fear and worry and resulted in me pleading with my mother to let him stay.
"Mommy please let daddy stay."
"I'll make sure he doesn't do anything bad, mommy."
"Please, I don't want anything to happen to him."
This enraged my mother and she would always tell me "Ashlee, your daddy is grown. You can't change him and he's going to be just fine." From the POV of a small child who had never been outside by myself the world seemed so scary. I remember wanting to protect my dad at all costs. I knew I could help him do better. I knew I could help him change. I knew I could keep him safe and I carried this fallacious notion with me for a long time.
I was very wrong and would later learn that I could no more change someone as an adult, than I could as a child. I had countless friendships as a teen, a young adult, and a full grown woman where I constantly tried to save people from themselves. I took on their problems, like they were my own, and tried my hardest to "fix" them. I thought I was helping and all I was doing was making myself an emotional garbage can, for someone to throw their temporary negative feelings into, only to go back to the same thing that had hurt them in the first place. It caused me to feel so much pain, frustration, sadness, anxiety, and stress...and whenever they came back after the same situation had failed them...yet again...I too, was there for another helping of toxicity.
One of the most difficult battles I've faced in life is constantly trying to be the hero in someone else's story. That's not my job. We are the protagonists in our own story, which means in anyone else's story we are no more than a supporting character...and that's okay!
Going even deeper we have to understand that just as we discover our "Why?", the people in our lives have to do the same for themselves. So now I want you to go back to that memory we discussed at the beginning of the article. The memory that changed you in some way. Think back to how it made you feel. Think back to how it changed your perspective. How it changed the way you reacted to similar situations. Did it boost your self-esteem? Lower it? Did it cause you to second guess yourself or give you more self-assurance? Is it the reason you've fallen into a specific relationship pattern? Is it the reason you became more guarded? Have the lasting affects of that situation been more positive or more negative?
I know I just asked you several questions in rapid succession but I promise it's for a reason. It's because in order to fully understand who we are today we have to examine why we are this way. Events from our past shape who we are today...and if those effects lead to negative life consequences than it's important to recognize:
The event that changed you
The lasting effect it had on you
How it's affected your relationships (romantic & platonic)
& more importantly how it's affected your relationship w/self
The next step is forgiveness. Forgive them. Forgive yourself. Release your future self from any bondage that situation may have had on you and your life. Then the most important part: HEALING! It has been such a release of unnecessary weight realizing that #1 I cannot change anyone #2 In order for them to change they have to go through the same journey of self understanding that I did...and also that doesn't happen on my time. It happens in their very own timeline of divine alignment and that is such a peaceful realization to have. It reminds you that although we can plant seeds they will not harvest until the conditions are just right.
I learned to release myself from the pressure of saving anyone but myself...and I am so thankful to God for gifting me w/ individuals who have sewn seeds into my life and waited patiently as they harvested.
I encourage you to explore your "Why's?". It is so healthy and removes so much negativity and emotional weight from our lives. Just remember that this journey is personal for everyone. You can't rush it and it's not a race. Embrace it, feel all you need to feel, and allow that healing to change your future actions for the better. You will love the version of yourself you become, as the hero in your very own story.
Thank you, for reading! && please feel free to share any experiences or takeaways you had from "Personal Growth: Discovering the "WHY?" behind your actions"