There are few things in this life that are absolutely unavoidable.
Relationships, unless you've made the concise decision to live under a rock (in which case, I wouldn't blame you at all), are one of those unavoidable facets of the human experience. Whether it's a relationship with a significant other, a family member, a co-worker, or with that nosey neighbor you loathe...relationships are an inevitable part of life.
Today (June 20th, 2023) would've been my mother's 64th birthday. She won her battle with cancer back in November of 2017 and to say I do not miss her with every fiber of my being would be a lie. That phenomenal woman taught me countless things but cultivating and sustaining healthy relationships was always very important to her.
We would talk for hours about the nuances of friendships and romantic relationships. She would advise me and expeditiously tell me about myself, when necessary. The amazing thing is I'm still learning from her. I'm learning from her example and all the beautiful ways she loved without conditions. Learning about self-worth and how to never settle for less than I deserve. What's interesting is it wasn't until after her passing that I fully realized that settling didn't just happen in romantic relationships. Seems obvious when said aloud but we often don't realize we are settling in the midst of a romantic relationship, let alone a platonic one.
It normally takes something that feels insurmountable, to open our eyes to what's been staring us in the face all along...but "It takes two to make a thing go right", so you can't do it alone. However, focusing on yourself and your own personal growth will attract and keep the right people by your side. So let's discuss a few of the ways we "...can make a thing go right."
COMMUNICATION
I'm going to start here because this is the BIGGEST one. So many friendships and relationships perish because we lack the ability to communicate effectively with each other.
&& I emphasized "effectively" for a reason because you can talk until you're blue in the face and whether that person received a single thing you've said is going to depend on your ability to convey your thoughts/feelings and their ability to actively listen.
A big mistake we make when explaining our feelings is pointing the finger...for example, using phrases like:
You ALWAYS...
You NEVER...
You...You...You...
This isn't about them. It's about you.
It's about you learning to explore and express your feelings, in such a way, that your target audience doesn't have to feel belittled or shamed.
Pointing the finger at them only puts them on defense and signals to them that they must protect themselves from your accusations.
A better method is to shift the focus to self. So instead try phrases like:
When you said____it made me feel____because____.
I do not believe your intentions were to hurt me but when you ____I felt ____.
This gives them the opportunity to step into your shoes and empathize with your feelings, even if they don't fully understand them. We are all different, no two people think exactly alike, and the point of communication is to be solution based. If you're constantly bringing up issues and never offering any solutions then you may need to reexamine your own motives. Solution based phrases sound like:
How do we move forward?
Instead of saying ____when you're frustrated it would make me feel better if you____.
What can I do in the future to avoid making you feel this way?
Let's table this conversation and take some time to evaluate our feelings and reconvene when we are both in a better headspace.
Then...you do what so many people have such a difficult time with...you compromise, if need be. You meet in the middle and understand that if this person is important to you then being right is of absolutely no consequence.
In the past, I struggled with active listening. I always wanted to be heard and understood but lacked the ability to hear and understand. If you are dealing with a person who cannot actively listen or refuses to ever acknowledge the part they've played in a dispute, then express what you need to and move forward. You may never get the closure you feel you deserve but at least you know you did what needed to be done.
Bottom line is you cannot control the thoughts and perceptions of others but if you love someone the best thing you can do is seek to understand them. You do not have to agree on everything. The beauty in relationships is often found in our differences. Embrace their differences, just as you'd desire them to accept yours.
Lack of Self-Love/Boundaries
*Sigh*
This one hurts my heart deeply. So many people suffer through mental health crisis after mental health crisis because we as people...as women & men do not truly love ourselves.
We settle. We breakdown. We isolate...and do it all over again...because of love?
Nope. It's actually the lack thereof, that causes us to stay in places that harm us mentally and emotionally.
The crazy thing is we blame our hearts.
How many times have you heard or even said "The heart wants what it wants"?!
The heart, like the body and mind, have desires based on what you feed it...and if you've been feeding it toxicity for years then yeah, that's exactly what it will crave!
Often we blame the source of the toxicity, as if they've stolen our ability to think and make healthy decisions for ourselves.
In order to teach someone how to love you, you must first discover how to TRULY love yourself. This takes time, patience, accountability, self-discovery...loving yourself is a learned behavior and it begins with recognizing that this is an area of personal struggle.
Getting to a place where you don't place blame on others for behaviors you are allowing, isn't always easy. However, people who truly love themselves do not sit around and play victim. Are they kind and gentle with themselves? Yes. Do they take accountability? Yes. THEN...they move forward and do whatever it takes to replace bad habits with healthy ones.
What I learned from situations like this is to once again, shift my focus to self. I had to look in the mirror every day and find value in the woman who stared back at me. I had to tell her how much I love her, how proud I am of her, and how she is deserving of all the unconditional love this world has to offer. The more I said it, the more I believed it! Speaking positivity over all areas of your life is the first step to leveling up and unconditionally loving you, the way God intended.
Once you understand your worth you will no longer tolerate anyone in your personal space who does not.
Lack of Self-Awareness
You cannot have healthy, loving, and successful relationships without self-awareness.
And the issue isn't in creating the relationships. It's in keeping them.
Being able to swiftly point out where everyone else falls short but refusing to acknowledge where we miss the mark is quite literally a form a self-sabotage. We can't fix problems that we continuously deny the existence of.
What's disheartening about putting ourselves on this type of pedestal, is how lonely it is up there. We build this throne of fabrications, devoid of any logic or wisdom, and decide that it's everyone else with the problem. All the while going through friendship after friendship, relationship after relationship, and constantly ending up alone and unaware that we are the sole reason for it.
Our core values directly affect the quality of life we lead...and we should absolutely place value in ourselves (as mentioned above in the Lack of Self-Love/Boundaries section of this article) BUT never to the detriment of those we claim to love.
When you truly love someone being wrong/right should be of no consequence to you. It's when we are wrong and can acknowledge that fact that we grow exponentially. No one is perfect. We all miss the mark. We all make mistakes and yet some of us will be dead wrong and still choose to die on that hill, stubborn and alone.
Learn to examine self first...instead of always harping on what someone else could've done better, your main focus should always be self.
"How could I have handled this better?"
"Was my focus on being understood vs. heard?"
"Was my intention to understand them vs. pointing the finger?"
Because there is so much peace in looking back at a situation and being proud of the way you handled it.
One thing about humans that are self-aware...? They create life long connections built on honesty, trust, and at times constructive criticism. They welcome seemingly difficult conversations, if it means they have the opportunity to grow and become better. Who wouldn't want someone like that, by their side? Who doesn't want to feel comfortable coming to someone knowing they will always feel heard and seen...even if the outcome is them agreeing to disagree?!
This only scratches the surface of understanding how to build and sustain healthy/life-long relationships. My goal is to help each and every one of you to be more open minded and empathetic to those that are most important to you, as well as to self.
Life is short. Let's spend it loving ourselves and each other the way God intended us to.
Because "It's Giving Essential!"
So what do you think? What aspects of cultivating healthy relationships should I cover next?
Leave me a comment and tell me the areas you've grown and what you learned along the way.
Should I do a part II?
Yes ma'am!!
Let's move on to something new.